Empty Me of Me

I've had just enough of the spotlight when it burns bright

To see how it gets in the blood.

And I've tasted my share of the sweet life and the wild ride

And found a little is not quite enough.

I know how I can stray

And how fast my heart could change.

Empty me of the selfishness inside

Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride

And any foolish thing my heart holds to

Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.

I've seen just enough of the quick buys of the best lies

To know how prodigals can be drawn away.

I know how I can stray

And how fast my heart could change.

Empty me of the selfishness inside

Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride

And any foolish thing my heart holds to

Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.

Cause everything is a lesser thing

Compared to you, compared to you.

Cause everything is a lesser thing

Compared to you so why surrender all?

Empty me of the selfishness inside

Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride

Empty me of the selfishness inside

Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride

And any foolish thing my heart holds to

Lord empty me of me so I can be

Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.

Oh, filled with you.

Empty me.

--Chris Sligh

Happy Trails

Well the time is coming for me to begin planning to leave Florida... and I am so disheartened about it. I never thought I'd say that I'm not ready to leave Ormond Beach! I'm certainly ready to be living with people my age again, but there are so many things that I have grown to love about this place.

God is so awesome. When I got here, the only things I earnestly asked for here were 1) a church to become a part of and to grow spiritually in and 2) true and good friends. And God gave me the absolute best of both. Tomoka Christian is such a wonderful church. I never cease to be amazed that everywhere I go, He provides THE church for me immediately. I never have to shop around, it's right there! I feel that Tomoka is in line with where God wants his people. And friends... God truly blessed me in that department. And these people were the first friends that I made "post-school" which is a truly terrifying ordeal and I genuinely love them. I could really BE here.

I feel like I'm in such a hard place right now. I plan to leave a place that I love and go to a place that I kinda' hate in order to pursue something that for many reasons, I shouldn't even attempt. It's so exciting to watch where God is directing your life, but sometimes it's quite hard to take that leap of faith. I've been praying for Him to impose His will on my life, and as of yet, He hasn't changed my mind about California. I'm kind of scared that if I was given the tiniest reason to stay here though, I would.

Oh, and as I did when I was in London, I'm at the two-months-prior-to-departure point where I get a bit weepy everytime I'm at church. It usually only lasts for a moment, but something will happen in worship, communion, prayer, or the sermon that reminds me of something here, and I just start crying. It's pretty ridiculous I know. But in London, I HAD to leave or I would have become an illegal immigrant. Not the case here. I'm actually choosing to leave

So this is completely unrelated, but everytime I see it on my friend's facebook I laugh. And I hate to end my posts without something light hearted so:

Jen

I am so tired of dealing with unbelievers... I don't necessarily mean non-Christians. Only people who have allowed the world to tell them that they can't climb that mountain, swim that ocean, make a difference, or whatever it is that that person dreams of doing. The most frustrating to me is the lack of belief in the power of God. I think we as people have learned so much about how God's creation works, that we forget that He put it all together, actually continues to allow it to work as I sit here and type this, and can take it all away in the blink of an eye.

A friend from high school passed away a couple of days ago,one of the greatest men of God I have ever known from the time he was quite young. He just got it. His entire purpose for living was to glorify God and to show others God through the simplest things like his infectious joy. When I found out, the only emotion I really experienced was feeling dumbfounded. Apparently he was lying on the floor praying (as he often did) and just.... died... of natural causes. No one knows what killed him... he just stopped being. Now, I do not pretend to know what happened, but I was snubbed by a family member when I suggested that maybe God just took him, because a "healthy 22 year old doesn't just die!" Well, yes they can. God doesn't need to give you some disease, cancer, or hit you with a car to end your life, and for some reason it made me pity her disbelief in God's power. If you are a Christian, do you NOT believe that God created the world and everything in it, that He sent a great flood that covered the earth, that he took Elijah to heaven in a chariot of fire, that Elisha prayed and the servant's eyes were opened to see the mountain full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha, that God sent Jesus via VIRGIN birth (wrap your head around THAT one... REALLY!) There is no reason for the stories of the Bible to be untrue, so why do you have such a hard time believing that they are? And if you truly believe that they happened, how can you not trust that God will take care of your needs now? (I deal with that every day, no judgement here!)

In the same way, but on a different (and slightly less significant) level, I get outraged over people stomping on other's dreams. I am NOT an idealist. I'm not, I know people who are. I don't believe in a basic goodness of man, Utopia, or the idea that we will ever be able to live at peace with each other. I hate to be called one. Maybe I am an idealist, or maybe you have become so cynical that even hope feels like an idealist notion to you. I don't have to be an idealist to believe that God can and does work miracles and that He will do great things in me and in you also.

The movie Finding Neverland sums up my sentiment on crushing dreams so I will end with this and be done with my venting:

Peter Llewelyn Davies: This is absurd. It's just a dog.
J.M. Barrie: Just a dog? *Just*? [to Porthos] Porthos, don't listen! [to Peter] Porthos dreams of being a bear, and you want to shatter those dreams by saying he's *just* a dog? What a horrible candle-snuffing word. That's like saying, "He can't climb that mountain, he's just a man", or "That's not a diamond, it's just a rock." Just.

Don't mistake cynicism for wisdom, they're not the same thing.

Jen

OH... and I cut my hair.... short. I like it

I know I haven't updated in almost a month. November was not a good month. Don't get me wrong, good things did happen, great things. There were plenty of blessings (so many more than I deserve) to be thankful for. But I've been in kind of a crap mood a lot. I know that sounds so rude, but there's really no better way to describe it. I wasn't home sick, but I felt sort of depressed. I don't think I was getting enough time to myself around my family for one thing-- my Aunt was the only person I saw EVERY SINGLE DAY all day. And it was difficult to work out how to live with my grandmother. Sharing an apartment with Lydia in college was easy, we had equal responsibilities, we both kept the apartment clean and tidy except when we were writing that paper last minute or cramming for finals in which case our stuff would be thrown everywhere, but we were okay with each others mess because we both did it, and we would get the whim to decorate for Christmas at midnight and head to Walmart to buy stuff or go get coffee at Common Grounds right before it closed. I'm at my grandmother's house and she wants me to feel at home, but absolutely nothing in this house is mine so how can I feel like I live here. It's all confined to my tiny little room.

And as I've said before, the young people that I've met here are so great and fun to be around. But being around my aunt and my grandmother too much made me feel like I wasn't seeing anyone else enough which made me feel isolated and lonely. It made the times that we did stuff so much more fun. I'm so thankful for long phonecalls from friends in between!

So--- to highlight one of the fun things that have happened here!

Barb's 30th (dundunDUUUUUUUUUN!) birthday was today and the girls went to Olive Garden to celebrate on Friday at lunch. I got the most beautiful cake from the bakery that did my grandparent's 65th wedding anniversary and it was.... amazing! It was carrot cake (Barb's choice) and the baker decorated it like a Tiffany & Co. gift box. I fell in love

I think December will be a better month. November got better toward the end. God is good all of the time and He amazes me with his faithfulness to me even when I'm such a mess!

On a lighter note, tonight, Paula Dean guest starred on Iron Chef: America and guess what the secret ingredient was... Sugar. It was amazing.

Jen